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"The Watcher". . .

In Your Eyes

A riddle is needed to set the proper tone for a review of "The Watcher."

Q: Why did Susie fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.

If you're still reading, then chances are you may be one of the few people who aren't offended by the trash Hollywood continues to throw out to the American public. Perhaps it's the Olympics. Perhaps it's the impending

political diatribe headed our way with the 2000 Presidential election. Or, perhaps it's Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.

Whatever the reason, it's nearly impossible to go to a movie theatre and find a semi-decent film in wide release right now.

Fortunately for moviegoers, there are more and more "stadium seating" style theatres with the nifty, moveable armrests. This allows for plenty of space to raise these armrests and then lie down and nap. Sadly enough, more and more people are discovering this sofa-style technique to watching movies during this sorry excuse for a summer movie season.

"The Watcher" is the latest film to come from the evil, "late-night/USA Up All Night" movie gods.

James Spader plays Joel Campbell, a retired FBI detective. He is retired because of one case he could not solve that continues to haunt him. He is also afflicted with dramatic migraine headaches and takes pain medication directly by injecting it into his stomach. Fortunately, they are the well-behaved types of headaches that never attack during violent scenes or while analyzing critical data.

Keanu Reeves plays the bad guy, David Allan Griffin. Bad in every sense of the word: acting, dancing (yes, dancing), smiling, stalking. He seems to be in pain for a good part of the film. This may have something to do with reports that Keanu appeared in the film reluctantly.

Keanu Reeves and Marisa Tomei

A poorly aged Marisa Tomei plays the part of Joel's psychologist who helps to guide him back to work for the FBI and eventually, and all too predictably, becomes the damsel in distress.

With this information, your twelve-and-a-half year old godchild can figure out the plot. FBI detective retires and moves out of town. Retired FBI detective has nightmares about the criminal he could never catch. Criminal comes to town.

Retired FBI detective comes out of retirement. Criminal finds object of FBI detective's desire. Criminal kidnaps object of desire. Criminal and FBI detective have it out.

This film is inane and asinine. And yet, 1.2 million tickets were sold to this film last weekend, rendering it the number one film for the week.

Within this same week, there is a full moon and Bobby Knight is fired.

Q: What's the world coming to?
A: Hopefully not to see "The Watcher."

Written by Sandro Galindo

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Tao of Steve
The Watcher
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