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A
riddle is needed to set the proper tone for a review of "The Watcher."
Q:
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
A:
Because she had no arms.
If
you're still reading, then chances are you may be one of the few
people who aren't offended by the trash Hollywood continues to throw
out to the American public. Perhaps it's the Olympics. Perhaps it's
the impending |
political
diatribe headed our way with the 2000 Presidential election. Or,
perhaps it's Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.
Whatever
the reason, it's nearly impossible to go to a movie theatre and find
a semi-decent film in wide release right now.
Fortunately
for moviegoers, there are more and more "stadium seating"
style theatres with the nifty, moveable armrests. This allows for
plenty of space to raise these armrests and then lie down and nap.
Sadly enough, more and more people are discovering this sofa-style
technique to watching movies during this sorry excuse for a summer
movie season.
"The
Watcher" is the latest film to come from the evil, "late-night/USA
Up All Night" movie gods.
James
Spader plays Joel Campbell, a retired FBI detective. He is retired
because of one case he could not solve that continues to haunt him.
He is also afflicted with dramatic migraine headaches and takes pain
medication directly by injecting it into his stomach. Fortunately,
they are the well-behaved types of headaches that never attack during
violent scenes or while analyzing critical data.
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Keanu
Reeves plays the bad guy, David Allan Griffin. Bad in every sense of
the word: acting, dancing (yes, dancing), smiling, stalking. He seems
to be in pain for a good part of the film. This may have something to
do with reports that Keanu appeared in the film reluctantly. |
Keanu
Reeves and Marisa Tomei |
A
poorly aged Marisa Tomei plays the part of Joel's psychologist who
helps to guide him back to work for the FBI and eventually, and all
too predictably, becomes the damsel in distress.
With
this information, your twelve-and-a-half year old godchild can
figure out the plot. FBI detective retires and moves out of town.
Retired FBI detective has nightmares about the criminal he could
never catch. Criminal comes to town.
Retired
FBI detective comes out of retirement. Criminal finds object of FBI
detective's desire. Criminal kidnaps object of desire. Criminal and
FBI detective have it out.
This
film is inane and asinine. And yet, 1.2 million tickets were sold to
this film last weekend, rendering it the number one film for the week.
Within
this same week, there is a full moon and Bobby Knight is fired.
Q:
What's the world coming to?
A:
Hopefully not to see "The Watcher."
Written
by Sandro Galindo
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